Semester IV: Unresolved Internal Conflicts Part I

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It's already two minutes passed twelve o'clock, and I am still staring at the ceiling fan with a blank space of mind.

Peer pressure during adulthood vibes are quite distressing, baru terasa kat diri sendiri.
Terasa yang sampai masa sujud dalam solat, berulang-ulang minta Allah cekalkan hati. Tabahkan hati. Allah jentik sikit saja Nazual, on this and that particular matter je ( banyaklah tu)
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Lama sesi termenung, tak tersedar pun bila terlena sebenarnya.
Terbangun balik around 2 o'clock in the morning, hakikatnya masih lagi mengantuk tapi mata tak nak terpejam. Ah, sudah ini parah. Segera, dicapai tafsir di meja belajar.

Buka Surah Al Rahman, untuk mendidik diri erti sebuah kesyukuran.
Terlalu banyak hakikatnya nikmat dan rezeki yang telah Allah limpahkan. Tapi diri sendiri yang gagal menghayati.

This is all because of one particular stressor; one of my schoolmates gave birth. (Another one cause honestly I lost count on how many of them already became mother)  Although I genuinely happy for them, there is a tiny part of my heart. Cloudy and unclear, so shy to show her own self; that there is part my desire is to become a mother as well. (This excessively motherly love OMG its so distressing for me)

This is all started as I had my O&G rotations, when I looked at the mother (expected mothers) expressed their excitement for their lovely babies, their radiance is soooo mashaAllah very beautiful. But that desire wasn't that intense until I had my neonatalogy unit postings. Every morning was an excitement, to go around the babies (checked them, fold their 'bekung' and cuddled them). I have never thought of being so happy while holding them (although sometimes I avoid holding them, afraid of any legal consequences). They are so adorable mashaAllah.



Then, I was thinking;
Ini hanya perasaan seorang wanita yang masih bujang, tak ada calon, masih muda, masih belajar dan masih belum mengerti mengenai kehidupan dewasa hakikatnya.
Bagaimana pula perasaan mereka-mereka yang yang sudah pun bekerjaya (dan masih belum ada calon atau masih belum berkahwin) atau yang sudah pun berkahwin (tapi masih belum dikurniakan zuriat)?
Terlalu subjektif untuk digariskan dan diloreskan dalam satu perkataan.
" Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul."

Then, I was thinking one particular issue just before going for bed.
and forgot it the next day (LOL)

Until the day I watched Mizz Nina is sharing almost about the same thing; about zuriat.

Zuriat/Children is not a simple topic dear readers.
If you ever notice, cerita perihal zuriat ada diceritakan dalam al Quran.

I only only notice this during sharing with Prof Haniffah. (MashaAllah, that's why we should attend lot of sharing sessions, to be reminded as well to learn more and more)

Stories from Prophets

I will try to keep this short, but meaningful as possible.
The first story of Prophet that pop-up in my brain cells when this was mentioned is Prophet Zakaria as. 
As mentioned in surahtul Al Imran, verse 38-40.

" Disanalah Zakaria berdoa kepada Tuhannya seraya berkata: " Ya Tuhanku, berilah aku dari sisi Engkau seorang anak yang baik. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Pendengar doa.
Kemudian malaikat (Jibril) memanggil Zakaria, ketika dia sedang berdiri melakukan solat di mihrab, (katanya): " Sesungguhnya Allah menggembirakan kamu dengan kelahiran (seorang puteramu) Yahya." yang membenarkan kalimah (yang datang) dari Allah, menjadi ikutan, menahan diri (dari hawa nafsu) dan seorang nabi yang termasuk keturunan orang yang soleh.
Zakaria berkata: " Ya Tuhanku, bagaimana aku boleh mendapat anak sedangkan aku sangat tua dan isteriku pula seorang yang mandul?" Allah berfirman: "Demikianlah Allah berbuat apa yang dikehendaki-Nya."

MashaAllah, the moment I read these ayat, that intense feelings of happiness flooding in my heart. SubhanAllah.


Then, stories of Prophet Ibrahim AS (if you ever notice the Prophet that have been mentioned the most in Quran is Prophet Ibrahim, which signified that his Sabr/patience is so great that Allah mentioned him numerous times)

Suratul As Saffat; 100

" Ya Tuhanku, anugerahkanlah kepadaku (seorang anak) yang termasuk dalam orang yang soleh."
Nabi Ibrahim as berdoa memohon dianugerahkan zuriat. 

And guess what, Allah said in the next ayat;
Suratul As Saffat; 101

"Maka Kami beri khabar gembira kepadanya dengan (kelahiran) seorang anak yang sangat sabar (Ismail)." 

Amazing ain't?
The intersection points from these two Prophets' stories are: Dua'/Prayers and Sabr. And Allah gave them such blessings that not only He gave them children/zuriat, as well He gave them the most unexpected blessings of having such son(s) with beautiful characters (which is MashaAllah, bukan senang nak dapatkan anak yang soleh/solehah).

Mufti Menk

I was going through Mufti Menk's opinion on this particular matter and found few videos (which is so motivating). Here are list of points to be shared:

• The biggest test Allah ever give to married couples are not having any offsprings/children
• Offsprings = paradise = Jannah 
• The key of the test (in what ever sort of test from Allah) is Sabr and Patience package. It's ultimately designed for us to draw us closer to Him. 
• Imagine if all of us being given all the things we ever wanted, can you be assure that you will be an obligate person?
• The door of Sabr, all the struggles you had been through out the test will help you in Jannah where Allah will compensate your Sabr for something better (unlimited blessings from Him!!) 
• and we should be grateful with blessings that Allah had given to us, but still we need to pray asking for it. Bukan sekadar just lay back and say 'Alhamdulillah.'
• Pengetahuan Allah lebih tinggi dari kita sang manusia yang kerdil ini, percayalah apapun takdir yang menimpa, adalah yang terbaik untuk kita. Sekiranya kita diuji dengan tiada rezeki utk ada anak sendiri, jangan bersedih. Allah tahu kita akan sangat struggles untuk besarkan anak buat masa sekarang. Raising kids nowdays is not a joke guys, I met a lot of my patient struggles so much in raising their kids. 

I have also planned to talk on maternal instinct but seeing this gonna be super long sharing, let's keep it for the next one shall we? 

Suka untuk Nazu highlight di akhir article ini:

1. Doa Nabi Ibrahim. Tak rasa pelik ke? Nabi Ibrahim tahu yang dirinya sudah tua dan isterinya mandul, tapi insist juga untuk berdoa dan memohon zuriat. Sounds so unrealistic right? But his core belief that Allah SWT will eventually grant his prayer is MashaAllah so great that I don't think we (in such modenisation) could ever do that. We are so hanging to the factual things (at least I did, most of the time) How is that possible? But Allah said in the ayat, "Kun faya kun" Suka juga untuk Nazu highlightkan di sini, perihal kita-kita semua anak-anak muda yang telah pun menginjak dewasa, kita selalu terlupa perihal kekuatan sebuah doa dan keyakinan pada Tuhan. Sedangkan doa itu senjata orang Muslim. 
2. Pemberian putera yang soleh. Readers, looks around you. Perihal-perihal pasangan yang berkahwin, yang belum dikurniakan anak. Betapa sesetengah mereka tersangat inginkan zuriat, which is very hard situation for them. But always always remember that whatever decree Allah has bestowed for you is indeed the best plan for you inshaAllah. Have sabr, and wait for the right time. Jangan pernah mengalah, find a way out to solve it (medically hospital actually provide services to those who failed to conceive after 3 years of trying, just go and present yourself to the mana-mana KK yang berdekatan and ask for referral to nearest hospital yang provide fertility treatment)

Last but not least, 

For myself, and anyone out there yang experience the same things. 

Have sabr as well, it's natural that we all feel that way. To be a great mother, to have such beautiful kids. To feel happiness just by looking at a baby (your nephew or nieces or anyone's babies literally), it's normal. Allah SWT has given us (the women) with such blessings of this maternal instinct even before we are having our own kids. 

Why? Simply because we are creature that full of love (Auww). 

It's okay to feel a bit pressured, as long you know how to deal with it effectively and positively of course! It's the pressure that made me us alive. Imagine life without any pressure, its gonna be super boring life (entah-entah bernyawa pun tidak).

Again, have Sabr and never stop praying for His blessings. 

Semoga kita semua sentiasa dilindungi dan dirahmati Allah. 

Semoga kita semua diberikan ketabahan dalam menghadapi segala bentuk ujian dunia.

Dan semoga kita semua hakikatnya sampai ke destinasi yang dicita, syurga yang kekal selamanya. 

Wallahualam.

The long undue post.

Nazu is deeply sorry for such a longgg hiatus, I did try to make time for this but usually failed. Semoga Allah memberikan Nazu kesempatan masa dan dicurahkan idea untuk berkongsi. 

1321 | 191018

Georgetown, Penang.